broken hearts

The Funny One is pretty funny, in case you didn’t know or hadn’t realized. He’s funny when he means to be, but he also has a long-standing history of being hilarious on absolute accident.

Case in point:

Here on the compound, we have a thing for Vacation Bible Schools. This is a story for another time, but what is important in this case is that, every summer we endeavor to take advantage of as many free weeks of crafts/snacks/games/free t-shirt opportunities as possible.

One summer, The Funny One was told, by a well-meaning bible school volunteer, that Jesus lives in his heart. The Funny One was somewhere between two and three years old, and he was enthralled.

Cut to a few months later, when The Funny One and I are having some long-forgotten conversation. Now, I don’t remember what I said, don’t recall it being particularly mean or vicious or anything of the sort. All I remember is that I said something not-quite kind, and The Funny One burst in hysterical tears. Hysterical tears. I was shocked. And a little scared, because I knew I was about to be in major trouble for making the baby cry like he was dying.

He wouldn’t stop. He just got louder and louder and louder, and more and more distraught. Eventually, everyone on the compound was gathered round and asking, “Funny One! Funny One! What’s wrong? Are you ok? What’s wrong?”

He finally managed to force out: “MARIE BROKE MY HEART!”

This is when the giggles started. But, as a good familial unit, we kept from laughing out loud.

Her Highness told him that, honey, it’s ok. You’ll be fine. Deep breaths.

The Funny One just kept bawling. He said, “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”

Again with the repressed giggles.

Her Highness asked, “What don’t we understand?”

The Funny One composed himself a little. He was teeny-tiny and super sad and we are all horrible people because once he started talking, we couldn’t stop laughing.

This is what he said:

“Marie broke my heart, and now Jesus is going to fall out and I am going to die.”

In case that wasn’t clear:

EDIT: It has come to my attention that I was mistaken about something very crucial to this story. The Funny One was not actually afraid Jesus falling out of his heart would result in death. No. He was terrified that the lack of Jesus would result in an inability to go to heaven. Which is much more traumatic, to a Bible School junkie of a toddler.